yelling at the pilons

Sooo lets back up a bit..picture it, thursday night...Crash N Turn and i have made a skate date, we were going to check out the Knights of Columbus parking lot near my house...I let her know i'll pick her up and drive past the lot just for good measure to be sure its empty..yayy it is..off i go to pick up Crash N Turn...after finding her house (yeah i totally was parked outside the wrong house waiting for her) we turned around and went back to the empty parking lot........in the span of 7 minutes that bloody parking lot was full to the seam.......fuck me......BUT thats ok, we decided we would take a tour out to the outdoor arena in St. Paul...if i could find it again.............
We met up with Lady Isa Hella and T....we strapped on, set the pilons up and away we went.... Like to stop here and mention to Pixel Ninja that i totally loosened my outdoor wheels!! lmao
we skated around, warmed up and stretched.....and so the fight with the fucking pilons began...practice practice swear yell stomp practice practice practice........and i fucking did it, full speed wind in my hair, did it....managed to fly through all of them, took the corners sharp..(now i have to say, there were witnesses, yes they saw it!!)....shite eating grin yeah son!!!!!

So i did it over and over again...little smile on my face oh yeah look at me ma!! no hands!!

Then i practices stopping, falling and Crash N Turn gave me a little lesson on cross overs, we did an exercise that im still fucking shocked that i did..you stand facing each other, hold hands and moving side ways you cross over your foot in front of the other, moving like that all the way across the floor and then back again.  Wasn't as scary as i thought it would be to pick my foot up like that and cross in over...

the practice came to a sticky sweaty end..of home we went, all ready thinking of the next time id be able to get on my skates.

Fast forward to yesterday.....Monday night practice, arena practice, yeah! I snagged a ride with Lady Isa Hella and T and off we went...geared up and sat there, fuck it, yeah i admit it, i carried my fucking skates into the arena.....and yes, not so proud

so i put my skates on, check my toe stops and go for a couple tours around the floor.....did some stretching and went around again......assured Pixel Ninja that my wheels were loose.....and went around yet again, lol

Whistle blew and it was time for a little bit o refresher and off we went on our favorite drill, drop and stop lmao as i like to call it....whistle blows, you drop to the floor and get back up as fast as you can. or if you can. and keep going till the whistle blows again.  I made it through....fuck yeah i made it through...but by the end  of it im starting to feel like the fat girl you just walked uphill to get a donut....next it plow stops, Cherry Dread was my partner again, gotta love that girl...and sorry again for getting up close and personal on your arse, couldn't stop myself, literally!! lmao

We worked and sweated and i swore, yelled, growled, swore and yelled some more, Cherry, i want to thank you for your encouragement! you are an awesome partner! pain, sweat, and anger, lmao  This is the point where my legs got so wobbly that i actually fell, they couldn't hold me for another minute...wow!! but fuck, i got back up and did it again.....

Moving on, it was time to divide the groups, the big girls and the kiddie pool....Dii Mented gave us some instruction, set up the pilons, dirty fucking pilons, and off we went........well what do you fucking know, remember a couple of days ago when i was so proud and i did the pilons over and over again, feeling a great elation at the fact i could finally do it??? Yeah, not so fucking much, couldn't make it through...i went off to the side and practices swerving and turning.......and then went back to the fucking row of pilons.....made it through the first one and the missed the rest....FUCK!

Now im just pissed off, hurting....and actually more than a little embarrassed........trying to stay positive......but i just can't seem to at this point.......i decided to go out for a smoke.......so i take my skates off, and go out for a smoke....

so here i am, blogging about my journey.......so here it is.......i cried, i didn't sob, or rail, but i cried....angry with myself, feeling like i had failed...feeling like the fat kid with the stupid cake smile..frustrated as fuck......i finished my smoke, went in to the bathroom to clean myself up a bit.......nothing i hate more is anyone seeing me cry....or even knowing i cried....im the kind of person who panics when someone else crys......lmao  i blow my nose, and think about calling my....er....um...better half to leave work to come and get me.....i needed to get my shite together....jesus fucking christ...what the fuck is this!

I text my friend instead, cause i have to get out of here, there is no pride in letting anyone see me fall apart........she says she will and i go out side to wait......i only said good bye to the ones that happened to be standing by my skates where i took them off, saying only that i had a ride home and that i would see them later........

I go home and think on the night of practice.......i talk a bit about it with my half and i try to explain or talk out what the fuck happened at that moment......i still am not too sure.

But here i am, i know this.........i am not giving up, i will be that fat kid, huffin and puffin, pushing myself again and again.  I skated last night until i thought i would fall down...and then i did fall down....but i got back up....that right there, after i am a little calmer....is something to be proud of.....although i hurt, i kept going.....even when i thought i was going to puke...i kept going.......even though i did leave early......i still made it an hour and a half, skating my ass off....working harder than i have ever worked at anything........and at no point, even thought i was pissed off, embarrassed and felt like i had been run over by a truck and was an emotional mess.....not once did i think that i wouldn't be back at the next practice.  I don't know if i will ever make it out of the kiddie pool....i want to, i want to skate with the big girls, i want to be as good as them.....but right now, i am making the agreement with myself...(and let me tell you this is the same advice i have given some other newbies when the were frustrated...time to follow my own advice) i am not going to measure myself against others, i am going to do the best i can, and then push myself to do a little more.....i am going to be proud of every victory, even if no one else notices..and if i am ever in doubt, i'm going to remember back when i first started and couldn't even move on my own...im going to let that shite eatin grin show everytime i skate.......cause don't get me wrong.......i love every minute of it.

and will be wobbling again tonight...time on skates?? yeah son, im gonna glue mine to my fucking feet.


until next time guys! bend yer fucking knees

So here i end this post....GROUP HUG!! naw not really, i seriously do bite! :)